long time gone

It’s been a dry spell.  I haven’t written–blogged, journaled, contacted friends–in so long.  Somehow, when I was in the push to finish my thesis, I assumed that as soon as I got back to Colorado, I’d jump back to the life of the living.  And, I think I’ve had moments.  Yet, somehow three years have flown by since that push to be done and I still feel like I need to re-claim my life and live existence.  I feel a bit like a cow right now–rather drab, round and meandering.  I love teaching, I love my kids, and miraculously, I even seem to love physics.  And yet, I feel like I’ve somehow lost the magic, or hope or something.  I’ve finally hit a point in life where I have a career, life is settling down into normalcy, I’m done with school, and yet…I’ve lost my spark.  I feel like I no longer have any mystery or intrigue about me–no secret plan in the works for making the world a better place, beyond the world in my classroom.  And even there, I don’t feel like I’ve quite been the person I want to be.   Life is good!  I should be thoroughly enjoying it.  And not that I’m not, I just feel like a part of me has been missing lately.

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On a side note, I went on a date this evening.  And, miraculously, I actually enjoyed it.  I went in rather nervous, and with the ominous feeling that the guy was going to be similar to an old friend who had rather driven me crazy.  And yet, he wasn’t at all like that.  And I realized, while we were perusing the gardens, that it’s been a long time since there’s been anyone in my life who has inspired in me the desire to be a better version of myself.  You’d think that my 150+ lovely students would bring out the best in me, but I think that sentiment is lost somewhere between exhaustion and exasperation.  In dating someone, you get to experience more immediate joys and returns on your investment of affection and love than in the classroom.  Teaching is a bit more like parenting–learning tough love, knowing that what my students learn from me might not impact them immediately, but will hopefully help pave the path of their future, even if they are unaware–even on the worst days, it’s not thankless, but it’s easy to invest all of myself and forget that I need to preserve time and energy for myself in order to be the best for them.

Whether things progress to a second date or not, it was nice to feel that glow of excitement for the future–for my own future, not just the future of my students.  On Christmas Day, I decided that my gift to myself this year was to try to take better care of myself–to become a person who can inspire people around me, to inspire myself.  Cheesey, yes.  But it’s time I finally find my life here in Denver.  And, with the new year just days away, it is also time to start shaping some new goals–for myself, my students, my classroom.  What do I want my legacy to be?

More on that later.

For accountability sake:

Day 1 of workout schedule (Dec 26):  147lbs (ick).  1h45min workout (10min eliptical, 5min stretch, 3.25 mile treadmill (alternating walk/run every 0.5miles), 15min cardio kick.  Cereal for breakfast, apple, tacos for dinner, craisins, 5 hershey kisses, 1/2 chocolate cookie.

Day 2:  1h15 min.  10 min eliptical warm-up.  Full circuit lifting.  At home, kick/punch/push-up, stretch.  Watched Outsourced which made me homesick for my Indian friends…I miss Bhangra!  Bacon, egg, bagel sandwich.  shopping.  apple.  tacos for dinner.

Day 3:  145.2lbs. hair-cut. new jacket…still looking for a new marmot.  20min eliptical, 2 min cooldown.  kick, punch, push-up at home. Date walking around Botanic Gardens.  Cereal for breakfast.  Roll for snack.  Pizza (entire small one) for dinner…1/2 chocoloate cookie, craisins.

Day 4:  145.4lbs.  slept all day–lovely but cold!  15min eliptical, 45 min treadmill–alternate 2.17miles run, 1.5miles walk.  quick mini circuit. 2 rolls + grande gingerbread latte for breakfast/lunch.  1.5 gatorades.  1/2 grapefruit, 1 avocado (guac) + 1 cheese quesadilla for dinner.  no second date?  probably the case. regardless, 2011 is going to be a good year.

To do:  finish lesson plans for Torque, Thermo; clean bedroom; take down/recycle christmas tree; sock dogs for my favorite little people; decorate our apt; take niece/nephew skating; read a book for fun!

From the Archives of My Youth

Tonight my heart is happy.

Friday, I made an attempt at re-entering the dating world.  Awkward and un-promising as it was, it made me thankful for time with friends where it is not necessary to maintain a smile, to feign interest and to seek reasons to make a hasty exit.

Saturday was long but lovely.  A day with my amazing volunteers at the museum followed by a night of music.  Having musical friends/ acquaintances provides much-needed opportunities to relax and people-watch.   The dandy gents of Radical Knitting Circle played the Mercury Cafe.  Not only are each of the guys sweethearts, their music is, well, unique–and I can’t help but take a deep breath and smile as soon as I hear, “Too much rock and roll…” tumble out of their mouths.  And, for the record, I wish I always had the choice of either alcohol or a nice latte at concerts…there’s something delightful about getting to enjoy my favorite beverage while listening to fantastic live music. The Tanukis were pretty kick-butt awesome as well.

Sunday.  I slept in till after noon and woke worried that I’d missed lunch/coffee/dinner with an old friend.  We ended up at the Irish Snug, which in retrospect, was absolutely perfect.  I’m still feeling rather foreign in Denver, and it wasn’t until the middle of our afternoon conversation that I realized why it felt so happy to be talking with an old friend in an Irish Pub.  It was the meeting of my many lives–a dear friend from pre-NH days, a setting reminiscent of grad school where I finally learned how to be a kid, and exploration of a neighborhood stomping ground just down the block from my current abode.
A year and a half ago, I was still reeling from the pains of grad school.  Now, I’m ready to break out of my cocoon, yet I feel so awkward.  Something my friend asked made me think about why life seems so awkward.  I just feel like I’ve stepped backward in my maturation–and I think it’s because all of my history, well, all of my growing up, happened 2000 miles from here.  And, I am no longer surrounded by witnesses and comrades of my adventures and exploitations.  And really, there’s no returning to those times–but it’s a bit lonely sometimes to not have history here in Denver.  Hiking adventures getting lost on mountains.  Skating on the pond.  Hockey.  First boyfriend.  First time drunk.  First heartbreak.  First and last dates.  Favorite jogging routes with the girls.  Softball babysitting with Max.  Favorite walks.  Favorite restaurants.  Favorite drives when I’m feeling basdfkjhdadlg.  I don’t have those things here.  And, while I’m beginning to build a history here, it takes time and I tend to get a bit impatient.

My friend asked if I preferred traveling alone or with company.  I responded with holidays in mind, yet my answer is probably more reminiscent of my traversing of life.  At times, it’s nice to travel alone–you get to do your own thing, set your own pace, people watch, be lazy, be busy.  You are master of your time and choice.  Yet, it’s also nice to travel with company–to have someone with whom you can share wonderings, observations, fears, triumphs.  Someone who bears witness to your conquests.  I am independent.  Yet I miss having travel companions. It is nice to reunite with an old friend.  He is more comfortable in his skin than I am in mine.  Perhaps I can learn from him.  I’m just thankful that he is willing to take the effort to renew our friendship.  It leaves me with the kind of happy you feel in your stomach.  Sated.