The hockey gods are smiling on me.

During yet another procrastination pause this morning, I began perusing around DU’s recreational options. Hockey wasn’t nearly as popular or accessible while I was in Denver before, so I’ve been a bit worried about finding places to skate and play once I’m back there. Here, hockey is a normal part of the upper valley lifestyle–but it’s recently gotten outrageously expensive to play. My first stop was looking at hockey programs at Joy Burns. As it turns out, not only do they have drop-in hockey several times a week, it’s FREE for anyone with a Ritchie Center membership…which apparently includes grad students! (Yup, I double checked that one!) Whoopie! I knew I loved DU!

The thoughts circling in my mind today have been about the changes I’ll bring with me back home. A friend was teasing that I’m trying to step back into the life I was leading 6 years ago. My sister’s been gently reminding me to appreciate all my experiences of the last few years, good and bad. Unquestionably, the most influential aspects of my life in NH have been the people–amazing friends, students, colleagues, hockey mates. Quite a lot has happened in my time here. I think, quite literally, I grew up out here, while also getting to be a slightly less responsible kid for the first time–I only had to be responsible for myself, which was an entirely new concept. The near past and distant past often intermingle within our memories, making it difficult sometimes to recall when different people, aspects or experiences made their way into our existence. Friends–I can’t imagine not knowing Viji, Neil & Amity, Aime & Chris, Dhana & everyone–that’s when I guess it’s good we’ve had so many years together to strengthen our ties. Dating? Well, I never really did that till I got to grad school, so conveniently, none of them will be back in Colorado to cross paths with. Though technically, none of them will be in NH either…hmm. Hockey? Wow, yeah. Also can’t imagine life without hockey, yet that was my life till NH. Moreover, I’m not really sure I ever realized, till being so far from home, the importance of enjoying life, of taking time to actually get to know people and spend time with them. And, of course, the undergrads. They’re amazing, inspiring, sometimes frustrating but all wonderful. These are the things I hope to take with me from my graduate experience.

And what was it I came here for? Oh yeah, science. I think, in writing my thesis, I’ve had to remember why I started this journey. I really did have a passion for science–and in many ways, if Harry and I had been more synergistic rather than antagonistic, I think I’d have been able to invest much more energy into enjoying the science, and exploring it, rather than battling with him. But in the end, science still amazes me. And, having the opportunity to re-learn physics and chem next year will, I hope, re-spark my love of bio too. I sometimes feel like I’m not worthy of the conclusion, of finally finishing grad school. But then I realize that, in actuality, I’ve learned a tremendous amount. And although sometimes the details of reactions learned ages ago might get muddled, my ability to understand and sort them out is far superior to when I started. Even though I haven’t achieved all that I’d aimed to, even though the microvilli still have no known nucleator, it’s time to move one. And, I realized, if I were actually moving into a post-doc position, I’d be competent to start. I’m worn, battered, bruised and inching toward 30, but now I’ve got battle scars, I’ve got triumphs and disappointments. Nearly 1/5 of my life has been here, in the lab, in the backwoods. Sometimes I’ll cherish it, sometimes I’ll regret it, sometimes I’ll even despise it but always it will be part of me. I don’t regret my experience–though there are many occasions when I probably could have made better choices. But even now, I can’t say I’d choose any differently.

I might look, and even sometimes feel, like I’m stepping back to my “old life” but really, that isn’t the case at all. I’m different. Home is different. Everyone else has changed too. And although my course of direction is along the same trajectory as the last time I was at DU, it’s got a much clearer end goal than it’s had in a while. And in solidly meeting that goal, there is suddenly freedom to start considering, imagining and dreaming about new goals. That’s the freedom I’ve been contemplating and couldn’t put words to. The opportunity to actually invest my heart into something new.

~ by smnd on May 22, 2008.