i accidentally lost my kite. (from April 2008)
Some people fear death, some people fear life. Some fear heights, or fire or dogs. Some fear old age, some fear disease. Somewhere inside, I’m guessing every one of us fears something. Me? Well, I’m definitely scared of heights. The make me nauseous. And snakes make my skin crawl. And pain and/or blood make me so uncomfortable that I sometimes forget to breath and manage to pass out. But deep down, the one thing that causes in me a bone-chilling, heart-pounding, sleepless night for weeks fear is something different. It’s the fear of being alone. Always and forever alone. Silly coming from a girl with, technically, 14 siblings, from someone who lives amongst 340+ students, whose mom is always just a phone call away.
When I was younger, I’d always go down to my room, shut the door and either read or watch tv or just keep myself busy. I became a step-sister at the age of 4. I can’t really remember much of life before then, but suffice to say, my older siblings do (and did). When the boys came along, they were virtually inseparable. And the Nicholson side–well, I know things about my dad and siblings simply because I can feel them, as some intrinsic part of me, but I don’t know really any of them very well. Although dynamics have changed, our family has become much closer and stronger with age, there’s still a part of me that feels like I’ll always be the complete and absolute loner. All I ever wanted was to meet someone who was my other half, who understood me, appreciated me, argued with me, challenged me and wasn’t afraid to call my bluff. I wrote about him in Mr Schmeiser’s 8th grade English class…I’ll never forget because that wast the day he called me on a spelling mistake: “He should be smart, or at least not dum”. Yup. I wrote “dum”. Kinda like dum-dum. Ironic?! Naturally. In any case, I’ve grown up hoping that someday I’d find that one person who would be all mine, who would choose me, who would fill that lonely void that’s always been there. I guess that’s what we all want, right? Someone who loves us, who knows our better and worse selves and loves us still in spite of and because of them. I guess I just never expected it to be so difficult to find him.
One of my greater flaws, I think, is my ability to excel when I work alone. I’ll happily work with teams, interact with others, facilitate, lead, follow. But when push comes to shove and I need to get the job done, I fall back, bite the bullet and just do it myself. Not the best example of a solid team player, but at least I know my abilities, limitations and reliability. It makes me worried, however, that I’m a bit too comfortable going solo to ever succeed as part of a pair.
In contemplating my past relationships and my choices in entering/exiting them, I’ve noticed a few trends. First, there always seems to be a choice–and, rather than going with the person I actually care for or am attracted to, I go for the one I have a “chance” with. No, not consciously, but in retrospect, I think that must be the underlying logic. And, I seem to end up with the “wrong” guy while avoiding another wrong guy. Even going back to high school. I like guy A. Guy A likes me. I’m stubborn and won’t ask out guy A. So, somehow end up with guy B interested. Realize that, although I was at one point interested in guy B, he’s not really what I want, so I ask out guy C to avoid guy B. Meanwhile, guy A is left a bit confused. And, of course, while I could have simply gone for guy A, I was stupid and ended up with one of the two wrong guys. Again, grad school. I’m head over heels for guy 1. As it turns out, friend A likes guy 1. So, when guy 2 suddenly shows interest, I go for guy 2. My logic? Actually choose friend A, so leave guy 1 for her. Still flattered that guy 2 is interested, even though I’m not. How did that turn out? 8 months later, drama happened. Spent next 5 years avoiding guy 2, pining for guy 1. Meanwhile, guy 1 and friend A hook up, break up, then friend A blames me. Ultimately, lose friend A. End up still single. See?
The truth is, I’ve got a bad habit of avoiding making the choice that might actually make me happy, as I’m too afraid of what will happen if it doesn’t work. So, I go with the wrong choice. And, when you start on the wrong foot, there’s little chance that things will ever get any better from there.
Well, admitting the problem is the first step of change, right?! I decided that before I actually contemplate trying to be with anyone, I need to be happy with myself again. I need some work before I meet my own expectations. And right now, that’s really all that matters.
Zach was the wrong choice…not now, but at the time. He was the rebound…the guy to keep my mind off the other one, the one I wanted…guess God had a plan.
I can’t even begin to understand, although most of what you wrote I see. Even though you have this vast family, I’ve always thought of you as an only child in a sense…you were separate from the others and maybe only those around can understand that. But I do believe God has someone out there for you. I do not believe that you are destined to be alone.
I love you and will be praying for you, but you know that already.
funny…a year later, not much has changed…I’m still a work in progress. i’ve missed writing though.