.

On a side note, I went on a date this evening.  And, miraculously, I actually enjoyed it.  I went in rather nervous, and with the ominous feeling that the guy was going to be similar to an old friend who had rather driven me crazy.  And yet, he wasn’t at all like that.  And I realized, while we were perusing the gardens, that it’s been a long time since there’s been anyone in my life who has inspired in me the desire to be a better version of myself.  You’d think that my 150+ lovely students would bring out the best in me, but I think that sentiment is lost somewhere between exhaustion and exasperation.  In dating someone, you get to experience more immediate joys and returns on your investment of affection and love than in the classroom.  Teaching is a bit more like parenting–learning tough love, knowing that what my students learn from me might not impact them immediately, but will hopefully help pave the path of their future, even if they are unaware–even on the worst days, it’s not thankless, but it’s easy to invest all of myself and forget that I need to preserve time and energy for myself in order to be the best for them.

Whether things progress to a second date or not, it was nice to feel that glow of excitement for the future–for my own future, not just the future of my students.  On Christmas Day, I decided that my gift to myself this year was to try to take better care of myself–to become a person who can inspire people around me, to inspire myself.  Cheesey, yes.  But it’s time I finally find my life here in Denver.  And, with the new year just days away, it is also time to start shaping some new goals–for myself, my students, my classroom.  What do I want my legacy to be?

More on that later.

For accountability sake:

Day 1 of workout schedule (Dec 26):  147lbs (ick).  1h45min workout (10min eliptical, 5min stretch, 3.25 mile treadmill (alternating walk/run every 0.5miles), 15min cardio kick.  Cereal for breakfast, apple, tacos for dinner, craisins, 5 hershey kisses, 1/2 chocolate cookie.

Day 2:  1h15 min.  10 min eliptical warm-up.  Full circuit lifting.  At home, kick/punch/push-up, stretch.  Watched Outsourced which made me homesick for my Indian friends…I miss Bhangra!  Bacon, egg, bagel sandwich.  shopping.  apple.  tacos for dinner.

Day 3:  145.2lbs. hair-cut. new jacket…still looking for a new marmot.  20min eliptical, 2 min cooldown.  kick, punch, push-up at home. Date walking around Botanic Gardens.  Cereal for breakfast.  Roll for snack.  Pizza (entire small one) for dinner…1/2 chocoloate cookie, craisins.

Day 4:  145.4lbs.  slept all day–lovely but cold!  15min eliptical, 45 min treadmill–alternate 2.17miles run, 1.5miles walk.  quick mini circuit. 2 rolls + grande gingerbread latte for breakfast/lunch.  1.5 gatorades.  1/2 grapefruit, 1 avocado (guac) + 1 cheese quesadilla for dinner.  no second date?  probably the case. regardless, 2011 is going to be a good year.

To do:  finish lesson plans for Torque, Thermo; clean bedroom; take down/recycle christmas tree; sock dogs for my favorite little people; decorate our apt; take niece/nephew skating; read a book for fun!

Friday, I made an attempt at re-entering the dating world.  Awkward and un-promising as it was, it made me thankful for time with friends where it is not necessary to maintain a smile, to feign interest and to seek reasons to make a hasty exit.

Saturday was long but lovely.  A day with my amazing volunteers at the museum followed by a night of music.  Having musical friends/ acquaintances provides much-needed opportunities to relax and people-watch.   The dandy gents of Radical Knitting Circle played the Mercury Cafe.  Not only are each of the guys sweethearts, their music is, well, unique–and I can’t help but take a deep breath and smile as soon as I hear, “Too much rock and roll…” tumble out of their mouths.  And, for the record, I wish I always had the choice of either alcohol or a nice latte at concerts…there’s something delightful about getting to enjoy my favorite beverage while listening to fantastic live music. The Tanukis were pretty kick-butt awesome as well.

Sunday.  I slept in till after noon and woke worried that I’d missed lunch/coffee/dinner with an old friend.  We ended up at the Irish Snug, which in retrospect, was absolutely perfect.  I’m still feeling rather foreign in Denver, and it wasn’t until the middle of our afternoon conversation that I realized why it felt so happy to be talking with an old friend in an Irish Pub.  It was the meeting of my many lives–a dear friend from pre-NH days, a setting reminiscent of grad school where I finally learned how to be a kid, and exploration of a neighborhood stomping ground just down the block from my current abode.
A year and a half ago, I was still reeling from the pains of grad school.  Now, I’m ready to break out of my cocoon, yet I feel so awkward.  Something my friend asked made me think about why life seems so awkward.  I just feel like I’ve stepped backward in my maturation–and I think it’s because all of my history, well, all of my growing up, happened 2000 miles from here.  And, I am no longer surrounded by witnesses and comrades of my adventures and exploitations.  And really, there’s no returning to those times–but it’s a bit lonely sometimes to not have history here in Denver.  Hiking adventures getting lost on mountains.  Skating on the pond.  Hockey.  First boyfriend.  First time drunk.  First heartbreak.  First and last dates.  Favorite jogging routes with the girls.  Softball babysitting with Max.  Favorite walks.  Favorite restaurants.  Favorite drives when I’m feeling basdfkjhdadlg.  I don’t have those things here.  And, while I’m beginning to build a history here, it takes time and I tend to get a bit impatient.

My friend asked if I preferred traveling alone or with company.  I responded with holidays in mind, yet my answer is probably more reminiscent of my traversing of life.  At times, it’s nice to travel alone–you get to do your own thing, set your own pace, people watch, be lazy, be busy.  You are master of your time and choice.  Yet, it’s also nice to travel with company–to have someone with whom you can share wonderings, observations, fears, triumphs.  Someone who bears witness to your conquests.  I am independent.  Yet I miss having travel companions. It is nice to reunite with an old friend.  He is more comfortable in his skin than I am in mine.  Perhaps I can learn from him.  I’m just thankful that he is willing to take the effort to renew our friendship.  It leaves me with the kind of happy you feel in your stomach.  Sated.

Fact:  It’s been 2 whole years, give or take a week, since my last genuine date.  Not including the coffee I had with a rather yummy post-doc not long before I left Hanover, though learning that he was a divorcee with two elementary-aged kids was a little more than I was ready for.

Fact:  My 30th birthdy is in less than 4 months.

Fact:  I’ve now cleared 141lbs–the greatest weight I’ve ever achieved.

Fact:  By the time my mom was my age, she had been married and divorced no less than three times.  She had a 2-year old (yours truly) and was living with my grandparents in the middle of old Cherry Creek (yes, it still hurts to pass the monstrosity replaced our former abode at 370 Clayton).

Fact:  In reference-to-mom-years, I have two years until I am the age she was when she and my step-dad married, she acquired four teenage step-children and was pregnant with family child no. 6.

Fact:  Although I’ve tried a variety of online dating sites, these have proven more successful for reconnecting with college and high school friends than finding anything promising enough for even a first date.

Fact:  I’ve become acutely aware that I no longer know what I’m actually looking for in a guy.

Fact:  I’ve never really “dated” (in the beyond-one-date) sense in Colorado.

Fact:  I have received invites out from three different individuals in the last few weeks, however, I just can’t see any probable positive outcomes, so I decided they weren’t worth the effort.  Though perhaps they’d be good practice.  But going out with guys I’m not interested in never turns out well.

Fact:  While perusing the Denver Craigslist “Free” listing for junk that might prove useful for my classroom, I ran across the following ad:

Importantly, before I’d gotten as far as reading the text of the ad, I’d already wondered, “I wonder if he comes with the couch…”

Yes, apparently it has come to this.

at the end of december, i’d surveyed my cp students regarding class.  7 of 32 informed me that things were too slow or not challenging enough.  for some reason, this was the most devastating feedback i think i’ve received as a teacher or student-teacher.  to know that i’m not pushing my kids to meet their potential, well, simply made me disappointed in myself.  i took their words to heart, and started the new semester with a new pace.  i knew that there would be some resistance, but i decided to try and be a hard-ass and see how they responded.  on monday, one of my first hour students nearly yelled at me that i was the worst teacher she’d ever had–that i didn’t explain things thoroughly enough.  i thanked her for her feedback and said i was glad she’d let me know–that i have some work to do.  monday afternoon, 3 students came in for help.  on tuesday and wednesday, we went back over the math.  on wednesday afternoon, the same student let me know that she now understood how to add vectors using the component method, but that she needed help with the graphing. one minute of talking about the problem, then she looked me in the eye and said she was good to go.  and today, she came by at lunch to show me she’d completed the homework.  for me, i interpreted this to mean she thought i was doing a better job–that maybe now we’re approaching the correct path.  and, it meant i had earned back a bit of my own respect.

- – -

we read about Newton last week.  in a former life, i found the history of science to be rather dry; as a scientist, i gained a greater appreciation for the beauty of the most simple yet important discoveries.  and i discovered that scientists are quirky.  they were just as quirky back in the day as they are now–which makes them rather intriguing.  with our Boettcher work, we’re supposed to work on sharing codes of power with my kids.  although Newton is a classic example of a British dead white guy, he has a rather interesting past.  while i’m sure he didn’t particularly appreciate being abandoned with his grandparents when his widowed mother decided to marry a local clergy who didn’t want young Isaac in his house, some of my kids took joy in this connection to some of their own situations.  similarly, they enjoyed hearing that he wasn’t really a good student until he got beat up by some fellow students and decided to take revenge by out-smarting and out-schooling all of them.  they liked that he disagreed with his mom’s plan for him to be a farmer.  and of course, being the love-struck teenagers that they are, they were astounded that he only had one lasting love in his life and that he never married.  and that he ‘disowned’ his best and only close friend when his friend chose to marry (because, of course, there’s a code about choosing the girl or guy over your friend, right?).  yes, he may have existed 400 years ago, but apparently life was, in many ways, not much different from that rough and tumble life of the 21st century Northglenn teenager.  who knew. they even enjoyed learning that some of his best discoveries were accomplished while he was doing nothing more than “thinking” and “being lazy” while Cambridge was closed due to the plague. this seemed inspiring–and not so unattainable by the age of 22…because, of course, that is decades away for all of my 17 year olds.  knowing Newton might not be necessary for success, but for my students, he represents yet another sliver of elite information that adds to their growing intellectual power. not quite social justice reform, but it’s a small something.

First.  Exercising, etc. In order to hold myself accountable to my goal, I joined the “Biggest loser” event at school and am teamed up with 2 fellow science teachers.  In 1 week, I will have spent four nights at the gym for 1.5 hours each day.  Not too bad, but I’m still a day short.  And, on my two days off in between, I gorged myself on food…thus, I have a feeling I may have gone in the reverse direction.  But it’s a start.

Second.  Connecting. I have plans for brunch with two different friends next week, and this last week, I managed to connect mostly with family.  I found out that one of my big sisters and her family will be moving to Texas this summer–funny–it seems as if each time one of us comes back home, another one leaves.  Tracey and Jamie have maintained our family roots in Aurora, so it’ll be very weird to have them gone.  Regardless, I think their impending departure helped spearhead making sure I spend time with them.  Saturday, I got to see part of my nephew’s gymnastics meet–and I’ll get to see him again next weekend at the AFA.  While watching his meet, I got to chat with my sister.  And this evening, I got to enjoy dinner with my lovely niece.  She’s had an interesting year–testing her wings and challenging authority–I don’t always agree with her choices and wish I could do more to help her understand the long-range repercussions of some choices, but regardless, she’s an amazing kid and I can’t wait to see the person she grows into!  And, last night was dinner with Chuck, my third dad, and his family.  Sometime, about 29 years ago, his family developed the understanding that I was truly his daughter.  If any of them had seen photos of my dad, they would realize their mistake.  But as a kid, before and after my mom and Roger married, Chuck was my third dad–like an extra step-dad who enjoyed spoiling me, teaching me to fish, taking me to the circus.  But as an adult, I now have a strained relationship with him–we don’t know each other very well, and I am tired of maintaining the charade–but dinner last night was good.  Also, attended museum holiday dinner on Tuesday night–got to hang out with our awesome people and got to chat with the husbands of two of our other lab techs who are each engineers and who each taught me a bit about electrical engineering/photovoltaics.

Third.  Work/physics. I intentionally ate lunch with my peers in the science department 2 days, I stopped by Thornton twice to check in with Greg regarding activities/materials, and I currently am in the middle of building both a bed of nails for our Inertia Day on Tuesday and a “full-size” hover craft to demo Newton’s Laws and to demo momentum.   Frankly, I’m a bit nervous about having a cinder block broken on my chest while lying on the bed of nails, but it’s provided a nice opportunity for me to develop some building skills and to (wo)man up and stare down my physics fears.  Jeff helped me set up the bed of nails…now I just have to finish pounding in all my 3 1/2 galvanized nails into my drilled-out board.  It even has a handle for easy transport!  And, I’m ready to invest in my next power tool–a Bosch Jigsaw with trigger-activated blade speed.

My Inertia Day Demo List

1. Pull out table cloth from below wine glasses.
2. Spinning bucket of water.
3. Spinning eggs (raw vs. hard boiled)
4. Coin/card on finger–flick out card and coin remains.
5. Drop burning candle from hoop into ethanol-lined water bottle (good burst of flame!  I nearly singed my ceiling when I tested this on Friday!)
6. Egg drop into glasses by knocking out tray and cylinders holding eggs above glasses (broom-snap).
7. Pen drop from hoop into bottle.
8. Bed of nails
9. Coin/weight drop with spatula.
10. Some other as yet determined demo!  (I found a great list on-line last night but I haven’t had time to test them yet)

Fourth. Car and apartment are still a disaster, but my classroom is coming along–messy with our Newton’s Laws station lab, but I am gaining some orientation in my storage room–putting together a photo catalog of tools/equipment that I don’t know so that I can check with Steve and Greg as far as identity/use.

Fifth.  New goal this week: Start a checking account with a credit union, and make sure my student loan deferral information is all turned in.  Need to get my finances in order.

Sixth. I’ve been working on the daily acts of kindness, but those are for me to savor.  I can’t remember if I wrote this before, but my inspiration for this has been my volunteers at the museum.  They’re awesome and amazing.  Many are retired from a variety of interesting professions while others still work full-time and kindly give several hours a week to help keep the museum an awesome learning experience. So many of them are just so kind and generous.  When I have mentioned projects in school, I have more than a few volunteers who have brought in books and materials for me, and sent me websites with interesting information.   Others know of my love of photography and have brought in samples, tools and fun photo things–including an Christmas Elf Christmas ornament with a camera flash bulb that plugs into a normal string of small lights. While my volunteers are continually supporting the museum and celebrating my inerests, I don’t think I have done my best to celebrate them.  Thus, an amendment to my kindness goal:  I will strive to better celebrate the contributions, achievements and kindness of my amazing volunteers.  They inspire me to be a better person. Funny thing too–last weekend, we were short-handed, so I was helping out in the exhibit.  A visitor asked how long I’d been volunteering and I admitted that I was actually on staff and had been working at the museum since last May.  And, I felt a bit embarrassed admitting this, as the visitor seemed a bit disappointed–and, I couldn’t help feeling bad that my volunteers were kindly sacrificing their time for the greater good while I was being paid.  Our volunteers are the most devoted crew of workers I’ve ever had the pleasure of working with, so it is no wonder they are reverred for their commitments.  This experience reminded me that I also need to find some activity in which I can give my time, free of charge.  I think I’d like to try something that is building-related.  Maybe Habitat or Brothers Redevelopment. And, I’ve been trying to not let things bother me.  When people start complaining, I’ve been trying to step back and stay out of it.  Less negative is better.  Though I really need to work on my patience with my dear mum.

So.  That’s week one.  If you’ve managed to read all this, I’m sorry for the novel!

Happy Monday!  Here goes week two!

S

A while ago, I came to the realization that I needed to set some new goals.  Now that I’m finally in the career I’ve been pursuing for the last 8 years, you’d think I’d be content.  I love teaching.  I love working with the kids.  But I’m not very good at it yet.  And not that I’m a master of anything, but I distinctly don’t enjoy being awful at anything.  Not that I’m awful, but I definitely have a lot of growing to do.  In the past, my goals always have had to do with accomplishing or finishing the next thing…and for the first time in my life, there isn’t a clear next step or accomplishment to pursue.  Instead, it’s a matter of mastering something, which is something I’ve never done.  And, I realized that I need to make a decision, and probably sooner than later:  do I want to permanently be a physics teacher or do I want to be a biology or chemistry teacher?  I feel like it would be much easier to be a really kick-butt biology teacher.  Slightly more difficult to be a kick-butt chemistry teacher.  But being a kick-butt physics teacher requires not only growing past my former aversion to Mr. Eyolfson and physics, but also finding some aspect of physics that I’m passionate about.  I had realized this a while ago, but was still lacking a solid connection until I had the opportunity to chaperone a student trip to CU’s Engineering visit day.  I think it marked my first understanding of what engineering really is.  I think engineering is my connection to physics, yet it’s going to take a considerable amount of work. Which means it’s time to break out of my lazy coccoon.  Which brings me to the point of my ramblings.  It’s time to set a few solid goals–some work related, some personal. So, here goes:

1.  Getting in shape.  Which, I think, might also facilitate my re-entry into ye olde dating game.  Thus…May 12 marks the big 3-0.  I have precisely 130+/-5 or 6 days to lose 15lbs.  15lbs would be good.  20lbs would be better.   Regardless, now that I can use a gym that is less than 5 minutes from work, beginning January 4, 2010, I WILL attend the gym 5 days a week.

2.  I need to reconnect with the world.  So each week, I will contact (via e-mail, regular mail, phone or in person) at least 2 people that I have not talked with for a while and/or go out and do something with friends and/or family.

3.  I need to start being a nicer, selfless, more altruistic individual.  These are the characteristics I value in other people and the characteristics that I feel have lately been absent from my character.  I will try to do 1 nice thing for someone every day.

4.  I will spend a half an hour a night, 5 days a week, studying physics.  It’s time to start mastering physics.

5.  I will complete levels 1 through 3 of the Rosetta Stone Spanish lessons by the end of July.

6.  I will get my teeth fixed.

7.  I will go on a vacation.  A real one.

8.   I will get my finances in order–including opening a Roth-IRA and building a small nest-egg.

9.  I will cook one full, real, recipe-requiring meal a week.

10.  I will leave work before 5pm at least 2 days a week.  Not including Mondays.

11.  I will keep my classroom, apartment and car in less messy order.

12.  I will blog my progress.  At least once a week.

And, this is amendable if necessary.

Day 1: Arrive ‘home’ and climb the stairs to let the dogs out of Jenn’s bathroom. Note: door must swing inward to open. It takes nearly 40 seconds for the dogs to stop leaping and jumping enough to back away so they can fit through the crack in the door. First one dog, then another. Pure chaos ensues. Jumping, leaping, yipping, jaws, teeth, tails, fur. Everything flying through the air. Chaos.

Overnight 1: Set up makeshift bed on couch. Guinness & I have a stand-off. He’s determined to sleep with me. Finally, worried that the dogs are lonely and missing their parents, I consent. Guinness jumps up first and wiggles up next to me. Lexi’s next, snuggled half on top of me and half on top of Guinny. All seems well until I fall asleep, momentarily, and awake with the familiar awful dream of falling down a black chasm. Only this time, it’s not just a dream. I land with a thud on the tiles. Enough that I insist the dogs relocate to their pillow across the room. Sleep is lovely until 4:30am. I wake up with the creepy feeling that someone is watching me. Eyes open. Creepy feeling confirmed. Furry black nose meets my nose as a warning of impending licking attack. Before I know what’s happening, I’m fully ambushed. Guinness is on the couch, one weighty foot on my belly. Lexi is on her hind legs, licking my face. I just wonder how long they were concocting this plan.

Evening 2:  Lexi’s got gas.  Sqeaky stink bombs.  The dogs are convinced they’re each lap dogs.  I’m currently stuck between the bums of two snoring dogs.  And Lexi is still passing gas.  bleah.

Morning 3: It seems the dogs enjoy waking me at 4:30am. Maybe they’re functioning under VA time, because they’re ready for their 6am breakfast. Being the cranky, non-morning person that I am, I roll over. Bad idea. They repeat ambush of yesterday.

Day 3: Guinness discovered a new trick on the couch. He’s wedged himself between the couch cushions and the couch.

Day 4: Apparently, the dogs have either given up on Jenn & Zach’s return or their actually now comfortable enough with me that they’ve suddenly stopped following me. Probably good because I seem to have been altering my gait so as to not clock Guinness on my back step. My walking must look wicked funky.

In the last two weeks, while I’ve grown battle-worn from adventures in the classroom, my kitchen has become overrun by insurgent mugs and rebel forks, knives and spoons. The bowls have strategically pushed past the line of scrimmage, beyond the limitations of their stainless steel corridors, and into my general living territory. My counter is being held prisoner of war, and glasses balance precariously around the edges of my sink, leaning against pots and lids messy from last week’s chili. Yes, my dishes made advancements that I’m ashamed to report or reveal.

But now, tired as I am, I’m ready to do battle and am determined to take back my kitchen! I crank the volume on my old CD player and begin my campaign to the warbling voices of the Dixie Chicks, my longtime dishwashing companions.

And slowly, slowly, I make progress.

My hands become prunes. Puddles across the kitchen floor corroborate my efforts. And suddenly, I’m no longer grimacing. I’m cleaning my kitchen so that I can dirty it again with more nasty, crusted-over dishes. But tomorrow, the dishes will be welcome. They will be evidence of time with family and friends, of good food, of belly-aching laughter and of tears and hugs of sympathy and joy. Food is love. And to make food, one must also make dirty dishes. Simply a necessary evil.

As I scrub the last plate and knife, relief seeps into my back and soap-soaked arms. Quietly I admit, tomorrow, I will love dirty dishes.

As his hands encase her face,
she eagerly moves closer to meet his embrace.

My little brothers have a gecko named Amanda. She doesn’t move much. Her diet is composed primarily of small, brown crickets coated in calcium powder.

Eyes closed and lips poised. Waiting. Waiting.
Soft, warm, tender kitten kisses swirl in her head
preparing to savor the sweet succulence of her beau.

Pam Schmidt, 8th grade science teacher at Thunder Ridge Middle School was named teacher of the year for her efforts to integrate snakes into her biological studies classes. Every spring, her class wanders the fields on rattle snake round-ups catching neighboring snakes for relocation to safer habitats.

Cold, rough clamminess awakens her from the love-spun stupor.
Surprise and anxiety force her eyes open.
Before her, prince has turned frog.
No. Not amphibian. Worse. Reptile.
No choice but to succumb to the lizard’s bite.

Members of the reptilian and amphibian families are renowned for their faculties in camouflage.